Remembering Brian....

I remember the day, as though it was yesterday. I wonder sometimes, if I will always remember it this vividly. I wonder if I sit for a real long time, if I can remember maybe more from the days before....

I remember getting ready for school that morning, and hearing the call come across my dads scanner. It was an accident call....car vs. bus. For the first time in my life, I turned the scanner up. I continued to get ready for school, and just before I left, the word came across. No majorly injured students. Bumps and bruises, another bus was enroute to pick them up. Whew.

It was some time after we got to school that the principal came into our class....and these word will forever be etched in my mind. Burnt in like the branding of an animal. "There was an accident this morning, and Brian Evans has been killed" Instantly I was in shock. This couldnt be. I had just saw him the day before. I had just talked to him. This couldnt be. He was my friend. We had dated. I loved him dearly....this just couldnt be, I heard the scanner, no injured students! Nicki next to me broke down instantly and she sounded so far away. I sat at that desk with my head in my hands and just screamed in my head.....No No No. The tears crept down and filled the corners of my mouth with the taste of salt....and I didnt care. Shock was the state, and it seemed as though it hung around for days. We were stuck at school the rest of the day...doing nothing, but they made us follow the routine. I got out of my car in the driveway and my mom met me on the porch....and it wasnt until she said the words, and I had to admit it, that I completely lost it and fell into my moms arms. "It was Brian wasnt it?" Yes.....he was gone. The words tasted so sour in my mouth.

This day brings back 16 years later, the pain of the days surrounding the death of my friend. It brings back the words from the principal. The words from my mother. The news video showing his car flashes through my mind like still frames. The nightmares of him under that bus as they work to get him, they all come back. The sounds of his mother screaming as they lowered the casket. The still frames of all the flowers that were surrounding his closed casket....it all comes back. Except his laugh.The one thing I wish I could hold on to, and its gone. I cant hear him say my name any more. I cant hear him laugh. All I hear is silence, as the still frames flow through my mind.My mind runs wild with memories, that I know will never go away....but memories that I know, I never want to go away, b/c I have already lost his laugh, I dont want to lose anything else of my friend, Brian Lee Evans. He would be turning 33 the end of this October, exactly one month later then me....how I wish I could tease him about how old he is...but instead, I ponder where he would be, who he would be, and the years that are gone....

I Wonder
I wonder sometimes
were you just a dream?
I wonder sometimes
where are you now?
I sit alone and wonder
if our paths will ever cross again....
I wonder if I close me eyes
and make a wish
When I open them,
will you be here with me?
I wonder if I plead with you
if you will appear to me
With your arms open
will you comfort me?
I wonder sometimes
can you hear my thoughts?
I wonder sometimes
do you know I love you?
I sit alone and wonder
will you always remain here with me?
Sometimes I sit alone...
And I wonder....

I sit and wonder sometimes, if you ever truly knew, just how much I loved you.

In Memory of Brian Lee Evans
On Earth October 30, 1976
In Heaven January 29, 1993

Some more crochet

The soccer hats that I made for Brocks entire team. Eleven of them! They turned out so neat! And they all wore them at a tournament, and had I known they would be such a big hit, I would have made up a business card and made some money on orders!

Just a little drawstring purse, great for a night out to hold your cell, lipgloss, keys, money and i.d.

My Americana hat, you cant tell from this picture, but it is star clusters in stripes, very cute.

Some baby hats I worked on for Calvins cousin

Some of my crochet projects

So I have been crocheting for about 2 years now, picked it up when I was on bedrest with Calica. I first learned how to make a ripple blanket, my cousin taught me that. From there, I have taught myself how to read patterns and make many other things.


So, I have decided to post some things...not sure who will ever see them besides JennyLou and Sharon, as right now they are the only two I know on here! LOL But just for my sake here they are!

My school bus scarf for the boys bus driver for Christmas this year!

My clutch purse with flower closure

Two different styles of Granny Square hats (and a scarf to match one)



















My flapper hat, I have made for myself and a few in Calica's size for her different coats! I LOVE THEM!










My grandmas Breast Cancer Awareness scarf for Christmas:













Jasons scarf he asked for:


















Just a pretty and soft pink hat:












Blue scarf for Jasons secretery for Christmas (she loved it!)













The scarf I made for our elderly neighbor for Christmas I did eventually put a cute pink flower on the end.













My flag scarf for Jasons principal













The scarf that I almost didnt want to give away for Jasons kindergarten teacher

Joys and Pains

So I got wonderful news today! My best friend (which also happens to be my cousin) is pregnant! She called today after it was confirmed, she's about four weeks and got to hear the heartbeat last night! I am so excited for her. Almost 11 years ago when her accident happen, and she was robbed of the use of over half of her body at age 18....we all wondered what life would hold for her. So far it has held much joy and a little hardships. She had to relearn how to live. How to dress, how to go to the bathroom, how to shower, how to drive. So many things but she pushed forward and never missed a beat. She went to college, away to college. She attended many music concerts and continued her trips to Cedar Point and even Jamaica. She eventually met and married an amazing man. And together they have been through the ups and downs of marriage....miscarrying just last year. So to get the call today was so wonderful. She deserves all the joy this world can give her. She's an amazing person. A strong person, and I am everthankful to be able to call her my friend. I cannot wait to walk this path with her. To document, to love and to grow with her on a whole new level as we begin to travel the road of parenthood together.

At the same time, this is so bittersweet. Its so hard to watch those around you become pregnant, when you are still struggling with the fact that you will never again feel that miracle. Its been 1 1/2 years since I had my emergency c-section and tubal....and I am still not over the fact that we had to make that decision. I still hurt. I still long. I remember laying on that table, and feeling them move my body around as they brought my beautiful daughter into this world. I remember laying there staring at the wonderful sight of my husband holding his daughter, as they took away my ability to give him this gift again. Its one of the hardest things I have ever had to decide and go through. As I remember this all painfully, I am also reminded that I am blessed. To have the three that I have. To have made it through my last and most terrifying pregnancy and not only still have my life...but have the healthy life of Calica. There were times it was terrifyingly evident, that one or both of us might not make it through that pregnancy. And as much as I will mourn the babies I will no longer carry....I look at the three I have a smile....

I am far luckier then some. I was able to carry my own child. I am able to look at my child and see resemblences of myself and my husband in them. I was able to feel the joys of their first kick and the times they had the hiccups. I was able to watch my belly grow and proudly rub it like every expecting mother. I had all the joys that most dont get....and I have done it three times.

Yet, its still hard. So I am so overly excited for Chelle and James....with an excitement of all that I know she is about to experience, mixed with a tinge of sadness at what I will never again...

The beginning to my blogging craze!

So, a friend of mine recommended this site to me. I love to write and have kept a journal for years...but not as consistently as I would like. My mind tends to move faster then my pen, therefore I have taken a liking to typing it all out. I have always wanted to document my life, so my kids will have it to look back on. So they will know their mother. So that I can remember and later share every little funny thing they said. All the amazing things they have done....and to just let them know that in all of my life, they were all I wanted or needed. To remind them that they are my pride and joy. To make sure that in everything, through everything, they know that I loved them and their father, as if today were my last.

So....maybe this will be a good thing for me. Maybe it will give me an easier outlet and a way to save it all for them.

Guess thats it for now!

xoxo